Overcoming Conflict

What was the last argument you had? Who won? Did you resolve it or is there still some simmering resentment deep down?

Ok, this is not going to be a group counseling session, but conflict is unfortunately a normal part of life. Anytime you introduce another person into your circumstance, you are inviting the potential for conflict. Deep inside of us, we want everyone to be a clone of…yep, yourself. You want people to think the way you do, act the way you do, dress according to your preferences, listen to your kind of music, drive the way you do, and the list goes on.

When we are so “me” focused, we will run into conflict often.

The Problem and The Beauty

You see the problem we run into is that everyone is different, and that is what makes humanity beautiful. An old preacher once said, “give me a horse and in 15 minutes I will tell you everything you ever need to know about that horse, however, introduce me to a person and it can take a life time to understand them.”

Each person you bump into every day is different. They think differently. Their life experience is different. They process thoughts, feelings and emotions differently. And when you look at these differences as an inconvenience to you then you run into problems. But when you look at them as an opportunity to learn, grow and serve, it becomes beautiful.

Wired for Community

Way back in the Garden of Eden, when God was creating the world, he formed the first man and gave him a responsibility. He had him name all the animals in the world. God brought the animals before Adam and he gave them names. In this, God allowed Adam to see his need for a companion and stated “It is not good for man to be alone.”

Animals are great. Some are lovable, cuddly and loyal, but they cannot replace human interaction. God wired Adam for community, but there was no one for him. So God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and took a rib from Adam and created Eve.

This act of removing something from Adam that can only be completed by Eve was God wiring Adam and Eve for community. And all humans that have come from our first parents are wired for community. We all have a longing to know and be known by others.

Desire is Not Enough

Though we all desire and long for the perfect community and closest relationships, our experience can be so different from our desire. We all want to be known, but we also fear being known. We begin to hold back, hide and cover up our “self”. It is this fact that creates such a tough environment to get to know others.

Trust is important. Listening is important. Time is important. But, we are all sinners. Sin, in any amount, has a ripple effect that disrupts relationships. We have to recognize our own sinfulness and look how we can overcome our own propensities for sin.

That is why Jesus came, to overcome our sin. The first and most important relationship that sin destroyed is the one with our Heavenly Father. The perfect life, sacrificial death, burial and bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ is the only means to restoring our relationship with the Father. Trusting Christ brings forgiveness, restoration and adoption into God’s family.

The Gospel also shapes how we interact with others and leads us into deeper and purer relationships then we could have imagined.

Love Your Brothers

Jesus said that our love for fellow believers will be a testimony to the world of our love for Him. How we interact with other Christians is so important. In order to be good at loving others, we need to learn how to deal with conflict in a Christ like manner. And when we do, we make God look glorious (Matthew 5:16).

Dealing with conflict may be messy, confusing and draining, but it is always worth it. But when we go into every situation with a Gospel mindset, we start with an opportunity to be peacemakers.

Start with yourself first. What sins did you commit? How did you contribute to the problem? Tell the person your findings. Make a rule that you cannot point fingers at others, but must point at yourself. It is hard to fight with someone who only talks about how they have wronged you.

Look to be Christ in this conversation. Whoever you are arguing with needs to see Christ. They need to hear the love and compassion of the Savior, not be told how much of a screw up they are. Proverbs tells us that a gentle answer turns away wrath and is like a refreshing drink on a hot day. Seek to bring refreshment to others.  

Allow Romans 12 to be your guide for community.

“Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:9-21 ESV)

Remember, you are wired for community, but true community takes hard work. Don’t just desire it, work for it.