Do Do

This week we are in the famous “do do” passage of Romans 7. This interlude passage helps us understand our present struggle as we await our eschatological hope in Christ’s return. We live in a tension, a struggle, in our present body between sin and righteousness. In chapter 6, Paul taught us that we are united with Christ and therefore sin no longer has dominion over us (Rom. 6:14). Chapter 7 helps us understand the reality we live in having been freed from sin but still awaiting our future hope of deliverance from sin once and for all. 

Paul uses illustrations for us to understand our current state of union with Christ: being widowed, law, and body of death.

“Until Death Do We Part” – Being Widowed – Romans 7:1-6

It’s a traditional vow that has been spoken at weddings for millennia, “until death do we part.” One reason I really appreciate John Piper’s book, This Momentary Marriage, is because he reminds us that marriage is a temporary arrangement broken by death. Understanding the temporary nature of marriage caused by death is to lead a couple to redeeming the time they have together. However, when a spouse dies the covenant is fulfilled and the surviving spouse is under no further obligation. This has been an understood acknowledgement throughout history, that the surviving spouse is free to remarry without fear of committing adultery. 

Paul leans on this tradition to illustrate the significance of dying to sin and the law and living for Christ. Having been released from the law through death, we are united with Christ through grace (Rom. 7:6). Paul uses the legal language for us to understand emancipation from the law of sin, and having been set free, the joy of freely accepting a new covenant in Christ. Legally sin has no dominion over you since you are now under grace (Rom. 6:14). 

“Who turned the Lights on?” – Is the Law sin? – Romans 7:7-12

Have you ever tried to navigate a dark room or building where you could only see shapes or outlines of objects? On several occasions throughout the years I have shut the lights off in the church on my way out and forgot something. Rather than turning all the lights on again, I try to navigate through the darkness and retrieve the forgotten item and navigate back to the door. The only light is the red hue from the exit sign or the dim light coming from the exterior building lights. It is easy to bump into things, trip, and stumble in the darkness.

Imagine that was your entire existence: darkness. There is a freedom in ignorance and sense of being “alive apart from the law/light” in one sense, but that is only in one’s perception. I am reminded of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and how the prisoners in the dark refused to believe the report that there was a whole world they were missing out on. They thought they were living but they were missing life. 

In the darkness of this world sin existed apart from the revelation of the law but we did not have a framework for understanding it. Paul uses the example of covetousness not being known until the law commanded “do not covet.” Ignorance of not knowing what defined covetousness does not mean that covetousness did not exist, he was just unaware of his carnal condition. However, the Law brought in a definition to sin and therefore “turned the lights on” to the truth of our sinful condition. When the lights are on everything in the room is in full display. 

In Plato’s allegory of the cave he discusses the prisoner released from the chains and his struggle to understand and comprehend what was going on outside of the cave. His eyes and mind had to adjust to this new reality. Paul continues to unpack this process in the next section as he uses the imagery of “the body of death”. 

“Which one are you feeding?” – Body of Death – Romans 7:13-25

Let me leapfrog this section for a moment. Paul’s question “who will deliver me from this body of death” is a profound illustration that is worthy of mentioning here. The flesh or body of death that is being described is the old nature that we continually battle in this life that will continue to pester us until Christ returns. Remember we live in the eschatological reality of “already not yet,” meaning that our salvation has been secured in the past, is being worked out in the present, and will be fully experienced in the future at Christ’s return. In one sense, we already have been delivered from sin, yet in another sense (one we are all too aware of) we are still struggling with it. 

When Paul says “delivered from the body of death” he is referring to a disturbing practice that the Romans used as a form of torture and death referred to in a poem by Virgil, a first century Roman poet, The Aeneid:

The living and the dead at his command,

Were coupled, face to face, and hand to hand,

Till, chokʼd with stench, in loathʼd embraces tied,

The lingʼring wretches pinʼd away and died.

The Romans would tie a rotting corpse to a living prisoner and allow the decay of the corpse to infect the living until ultimately death would overtake the prisoner. No need to go into further detail but it is an apt description of the body of death, our old sin nature, that is temporarily still bound to us causing sin’s sickness and decay to still plague our existence. The body of death is dead and we are no longer slaves to it, but we are still awaiting the time until it will be cut away and we will be fully free from it. 

The evidence of this body of death is the war that wages in the believer’s heart, mind, and actions that Paul describes in what I like to call the “do do” passage: Romans 7:13-20. With phrases like “that which I want to do, I don’t do, and that which I do not want I do do,” Paul reveals an internal struggle that is all too familiar. Living in the in between, the believer wrestles and struggles against sin, learning obedience and being conformed into the image of Christ. However, we fail and fall at times, needing discipline to learn righteousness (Heb. 12:11). Thankfully we have a gracious heavenly Father who is patient, compassionate, and will kindly deal with our frailty (read Ps. 103). 

These verses remind me of the Tale of Two Wolves. The truth is this, that our present condition is a struggle between the old man (one wolf) and the new man (the other wolf), so which one will win? The one that we feed. 

Consider your life, which dog are you feeding? The flesh? How do we feed the flesh? We give into our desires and give into sin. We binge watch Netflix, or scroll through hours of reels, or post selfies on Instagram, or listen to ungodly music, or read explicit books, or…the list can go on. Hours of our day and week are dedicated to absorbing things that feed the body of death.

Or are you learning to grow in the spiritual disciplines and feeding the new man that has been made alive in Jesus Christ? Why would you go back to the former slavery when you can be free from sin? Prioritizing your time with Jesus through prayer and reading the Bible, memorizing Scripture, telling others about Jesus, spending time with fellow believers, going to youth group, attending church, and recognizing the presence of Jesus is with you always, to name a few. 

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, you are set free from sin and the Law, and are united to Christ through grace. You have a new nature that needs to be fed and strengthened while learning to die to the old man until Jesus returns and cuts away the old body of death forever. Let’s conclude with Paul’s description of all of this in his letter to Titus,

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works (Titus 2:11–14).

 

Slaves to Rigtheousness

Romans 6:17–18

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.

As we continue our series through the book of Romans exploring how the righteousness of God reveals a new humanity (5-8), a new family, through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, tonight we pick back up in Romans 6:15-23. Paul continues his clarification of sanctification and the Christian perspective on sin, the law, grace, and righteousness. 

There was a misunderstanding of the Christian’s relationship to the law and sin regarding the grace of God in the First Century. Some were teaching that the more we sin the more grace we receive therefore God looks even more gracious. Last week we looked at how the beginning of Romans 6 debunks this thought. The Christian should not and cannot continue in sin, that would be a complete misunderstanding of the grace of God. This week’s passage shows another misunderstanding where people thought they could sin because they were no longer under the law but under grace. Paul’s response once again is “By no means!” or “God forbid!” or “May it never be!” 

Anytime a Christian is trying to justify, rationalize, and defend sin they are missing the point. The apostle John tells us, “You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin” (1 John 3:5). The whole point that Jesus came for is to set us free from sin and death and restore us to a right relationship with the Father. Any teaching that encourages or permits sin is wrong. 

Christians will sin at times, but their life should not be characterized by sin. When a Christian sins, they should respond with repentance knowing God will forgive them and restore them. However, they must be careful to not excuse sin because they “know” God will forgive them. There is a significant shift between the understanding that “when I sin God will forgive” to “God will forgive so I can sin.” One is the Gospel; the other is demonic. God forgave us in Christ so that we will no longer sin.

God’s work in our hearts is a transformative work that frees us from slavery to sin to become slaves to righteousness (Rom. 6:17-18). There is a key phrase in these verses, “obedient from the heart”. The heart refers to our desires and loyalties. Learning to love Jesus will result in obedience and righteousness. When we sin, we show that, at least momentarily, we are desiring something or someone above Jesus. When we learn to love Jesus above all else, we will happily give up what is keeping us from fully experiencing Jesus. When we understand his will for our lives and fully pursue Jesus, we will understand that being a slave to righteousness is the most free way to live. 

Union With Christ - Romans 6:1-14

Are you a sports fan? If so, have you ever dressed in your team’s gear on game day and rejoiced after a victory with the celebration of “We won!”? The obvious answer is yes; that is what it means to be a fan. We identify with our team. However, the reality is that I sat on my couch eating chips and did absolutely nothing to affect my team’s ability to win or lose the game. I didn’t win, the team did. This is one example of social identity we regularly slip into to use group achievement to bolster our self-esteem. 

This identification is fluid based on the season or sport and is effective as long as our team is winning. It’s been a rough go as a Browns fan! Well, there is always next year, right? Haha (Isn’t it amazing how much power sports have over our attitudes, moods, and self-image?!) I could say that during football season, as a fan I am “in the Browns” or “united with the Browns.” I cheer for, follow, watch, talk about, and discuss Browns. During the Browns season I will adjust my plans according to game day, I will spend money on gear, games, and food. Being united with the Browns as a fan does have some impact on my life but it is fleeting and temporary, and the Browns like to lose. If being a sports fan becomes my sole identity, then I better prepare for life to be a roller coaster of emotions without any stability. 

The apostle Paul, in the Book of Romans, has been building the foundation of the Gospel, the Good News of Jesus Christ, and how it reveals a new humanity. What do we mean by a new humanity? We are born into a sinful world, dead in our trespasses and sins, enemies of God, and therefore spiritually unaware of our desperate need for a Savior. We are born “in Adam” united in sin. Therefore, Jesus said, “You must be born again” (John 3:3). Jesus continues to tell Nicodemus about the need for spiritual birth, or regeneration. When God brings us to life spiritually, we become a “new kind of humanity” who are spiritually alive in Christ. 

The phrase “in Christ” is the most common occurrence in Scripture to refer to the believer’s “Union with Christ” and will be our focus for our lesson in Romans 6:1-14. In Romans 6, Paul uses several phrases to capture our attention about our union with Christ: baptized into Christ Jesus, baptized into his death, united with him in death, united with him in the resurrection, died with Christ, live with him, in Christ Jesus. Paul wants us to understand that our identity has changed from old to new. 

Roman 6 is one of the reasons that we at Lakeside hold to a “believer’s baptism by immersion,” as we saw a couple of weeks ago when Will was baptized. The Greek word for baptism (baptizo) literally means to dip into water or immerse. A very common use of the word referred to soaking the fabric in dye to transform its color. Have you ever made a tie-dyed shirt? Or maybe colored Easter Eggs? You immerse fabric or an egg into a dye that permanently changes the identity of the fabric or egg. Similarly, when we come to Christ in faith, we are changed permanently. Coming to faith in Christ is to come alive spiritually and be united with Christ being washed by his blood. Baptism is a picture of this, being buried with Christ in his death, and being raised to life again to newness of life in him (Rom. 6:4). 

Union with Christ refers to our relationships with him and our new identity through him. One of the clearest verses in Scriptures concerning the implications of union with Christ is 2 Corinthians 5:21, “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”  

This is the doctrine of imputation as Jesus took our sins on himself and put his righteousness on us. He takes off our filthy, ragged, and torn coat and wraps us in clothes of his righteousness, purity, and perfection. Understand that sin is forensic and native to us, our legal standing on our own is deserving of eternal damnation. Yet when we are united with Christ, we are given an alien righteousness and position because of the finished work of Christ on the cross. 

Our union with Christ is why we no longer stand condemned as we see in Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This is the doctrine of justification, to be declared righteous before God. Justification is not only being forgiven of sin, but it is also receiving the righteousness and standing of Jesus Christ (Gal. 3:29; Rom. 8:17). So we are justified by the imputed righteousness of Christ for the purpose of our sanctification.

Sanctification is an amazing dynamic byproduct of our union with Christ. Sanctification means to be “set apart.” If you are an athlete, then you have shoes or equipment that you only use for your sport. If you are a chef or cook, then you have knives and utensils that are set apart for specific purposes. We know what it means to set apart objects, clothing, or utensils for specific purposes and sanctification is the word used to refer to God setting us apart for himself. Sanctification is a three-part word for believers: past, present, and future. 

The moment you came to salvation in Jesus Christ you were sanctified being united with Christ, this means that God declared you holy. 2 Corinthians 5:17a describes this reality, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.” Union with Christ means you are a new creation, you have been made new, and you are spiritually alive. However, we all know the struggle with sin does not disappear when we become Christians, which means we need further sanctification.

In the present, we participate, or live out our union with Christ, by seeking further sanctification. 2 Corinthians 5:17b describes this as “The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” The Greek tense of this verse is the “old is passing away continually, the new is continually growing.” The reality is we are all in the process of being sanctified and learning holiness. Paul focuses in on this aspect in Romans 6 describing the believer’s death to sin and living unto righteousness. Our union with Christ is a compelling reason to do away with sin. Our union with Christ means that we are no longer slaves to sin. Our union with Christ means we can walk in the newness of life. 

The apostle John wrote in 1 John 3:6, 8b-9

No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him…The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God.

John uses the words “abide in him” to describe our union with Christ. Abide means to dwell with, to remain in close proximity. When we stay close to Jesus, we won’t continue in sin. Jesus came to destroy sin, so those who are born again cannot keep on sinning. 

Jesus describes this union with him as a branch united with the vine:

John 15:3–7

Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Again, we see the word “abide” being used to describe our union with Christ. Jesus referred to us as branches who bear fruit when we stay connected to him. When we stay in close proximity with Jesus we will bear fruit. If we step back and consider our lives, have we grown to be more like Jesus? Or do we look more like the world? Are we abiding in Jesus and allowing our union with Him to change us? A true relationship with Jesus changes us from the inside out in such a way that the evidence of our faith will be seen. 

The Good News is that salvation and union with Christ is by grace and not by the law. Ephesians 2:8–9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” With Paul’s emphasis on grace, some began to teach that keeping the law was not important. They began teaching that you can continue in sin because God will forgive you anyway. They taught that sinning a lot was a way to see the abundance of God’s grace. This teaching was called antinomianism and is wrong. This was why Paul was so forceful at the beginning of Romans 6, “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” To think we can continue in sin is to completely miss the gospel. Understanding our union with Christ is foundation for us to walk away from sin and walk in newness of life with Christ. 

This does not mean that a Christian won’t fall into sin, it means a Christian won’t walk in sin again. When we fall, we repent and continue walking with Christ, “a righteous man falls seven times and rises again” (Prov. 24:16). A Christian’s life should not be characterized by sin but by Christ for sin has no dominion over the believer (Rom. 6:14) because he conquered death and sin (Rom. 6:10-11).

There is so much more to being united in Christ and you would do well to look throughout the Scriptures to understand this wonderful teaching. Abide in Christ, keep your eyes fixed on the Author and Giver of Life, and walk with him daily. To God be the Glory!

Intro to Romans 5-8 series

NEW SERIES: Romans 5-8 – The Gospel Reveals A New Humanity

In our first series in Romans (1-4) we saw that the Gospel Reveals the Righteousness of God. Gospel means “Good News,” and the good news that we have received from God in his Son Jesus Christ is that God is both just and the justifier of those who believe in him. The truth is that we are all sinners separated from God deserving his wrath. God, I his great mercy and grace, provided salvation for those who believe in Jesus Christ. The wrath of God was satisfied in the sacrifice that Jesus freely offered on our behalf. Although chapters 1-4 started off pretty heavy, it set the stage for us to understand the good news of salvation accomplished through the righteous act of God.

In this next series in Romans (5-8), we will see that the Good News reveals to us how to become a new humanity. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” Understanding that the gospel transforms us from dead to life and recreates from old to new is unpacked. Adam’s sin created a rupture that has impacted all of humanity and all of creation. He was the first figurehead and representative of the human race. However, Jesus is the 2nd Adam, he is the new figurehead and representative for all those who believe. Those who receive Christ are made new. 

A new humanity, being made new in Christ, means that there is a new way to be human. We are no longer slaves to sin and death but are now made alive in Christ. This series will begin to unpack how we are to live as Christ followers in this world now that we have been reconciled to the Father. 

Dating Worth A Letter to Students inspired by Eph 4

Here is a letter following Paul’s pattern in Ephesians 4 specifically to my youth group about dating and relationships:

I, as your pastor, a fellow child and servant of the LORD, urge you to date in a manner worthy of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Remember that the most important relationship you will have in this life and the next is with Jesus Christ, and walking with him should define all other relationships you will have in this life. As you seek dating, romance, and a future spouse, stay humble, be gentle, grow in patience, allow love to guide your attitude (1 Cor. 13:4-7), and behave in a way that promotes peace and unity that the Holy Spirit brings. A good indicator that you are walking with Jesus is that you have a desire for his Words (the Bible), to talk with him (prayer), and to be with his people (attending church/youth group, etc.). 

Looking forward to when Christ returns, all believers are part of the Bride of Christ and will one day be reunited with him and celebrate the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6-10). Date in such a way that prepares you for that day, always seeking the purity of the Bride (you and all believers) and the glory of the Groom (Jesus Christ). Reflect on your hopes and dreams for your future marriage and consider what it will take to become the husband or wife you desire to be (Eph. 5:21-33). The Word of God is the best guide for character traits, attitudes, words, and actions that promote health and maturity (Prov. 31; 1 Tim. 3:1-13; Phil. 4:8; Rom. 12:9-21). Allow these thoughts to frame your perspective on dating.

Date worthy, for you were bought with a price, Jesus sacrificed his life for your salvation, justification, and sanctification (Eph. 4:1). Only date a fellow follower of Jesus (2 Cor. 6:14-18). Remember, you are not alone (Heb. 13:5-6) and do not (should not) walk through the dating experience alone (Heb. 10:24-25). Jesus not only provided for your salvation, but he gave gifts for your benefit and growth: pastors, teachers, youth leaders, and godly friends. These gifts were given to equip you and keep you accountable, make sure you receive these gifts, even when their counsel isn’t what you want to hear (Eph. 4:11-12). They are to seek to help you grow in your knowledge of Jesus Christ so that you will mature in your faith and develop healthy relationships. Dating is a fun, yet serious, season of life. Do not approach it in a childish manner but grow up into a godly partner who will serve and build up the one you are dating. 

Look around, see how other students are dating, see how romance is pictured in movies, consider how sex is treated so flippantly, DO NOT buy into their lies (Rom. 12:1-2). DO NOT do what they do or give in to the childish ways they live in their ignorance to God’s design. Their hearts are hardened to the truth because of their sin, which leads them into more sin (Eph. 4:18). They celebrate sensuality and impurity, not realizing that it is only degrading and destroying themselves. Pray for their repentance and God’s grace to open their eyes to the truth, and ask God to give you strength, courage, and boldness to follow the narrow way (Matt. 7:13-14).

I am writing you assuming you are a follower of Jesus Christ and believe his teachings (Eph. 4:20-22). You did not learn from Christ to do those things, rather he instructs to put off the old way of thinking and doing, and put on the new self, which is created to be like him. When you walk with Jesus, you will become more like him, producing true righteousness and holiness (John 15:5). To date worthy means that righteousness and holiness should become descriptors of the way you carry yourself in your relationships. That means doing the right thing and remaining pure at all times. 

It is so important that you develop righteous principals and appropriate boundaries before you begin dating, in this way you will give no opportunity for the devil to lead you down sinful paths (Eph. 4:27). It begins with your speech, not allowing any corrupt or perverse language to influence your thoughts, rather finding words of encouragement that are wholesome and will build up others. Do not continue in sinful patterns that will grieve the Holy Spirit, who is the one that gives you the assurance that you are in the faith (Eph. 4:30). Grieving the Spirit is when your thoughts, desires, and actions distract you from hearing his voice and sensing his convictions. You see, when you give in to sin too much your heart hardens and your conscious gets seared and calloused. But when you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive your sins and he will wash you, cleanse you, and restore a soft and tender heart to you (1 John 1:9). 

Before I conclude, I would like to give you some practical points to consider when seeking to date worthy. Do not start dating too early, remember, dating someone does not define you, God does (Ps. 139). Dating is for the purpose of finding someone to marry, not for convenience, not just for fun (it can be fun), and not for security. Instead, focus on become the man/woman of God that Jesus wants you to be and learn to develop good healthy friendships with the opposite sex. 

Do not get comfortable dating someone, especially the younger you start dating. Christian dating isn’t about getting comfortable and cozy; it’s about learning and serving the other person. Dates should be about getting to know the other person, not sitting on a couch watching a movie and cuddling under the blanket…this is a bad idea and gives opportunity for the devil. Go outside and walk, go somewhere public and fun for talks, it does not have to be expensive to be a good date. Do not waste time with the other person by sitting in front of a screen or binge-watching TV shows. 

As you develop into an exclusive couple, learn to be inclusive. That means, as a couple, spend time with each other’s parents and your friends. Although it is great spending time alone, too much alone time can lead to temptation or confusion. Temptation is real and it is natural to want to be involved physically and sexually with someone you are dating; however, you must guard your hearts, minds, and bodies against these temptations. Sex is a wonderful gift from God in the right context of marriage, outside of marriage it is harmful and destructive. The confusion that comes with too much alone time while dating involves emotions and intentions. Intentional time away helps reveal what is real and what is based on proximity. 

Do not think you can fix someone if you date or marry them. The problems you see today will likely be problems in the future. Nobody wants to be pursued as a project. Instead, look for someone who is displaying the godly qualities you want in a spouse, or someone who is growing in those qualities and pursue them. 

You do not have to marry the first person you date, and you do not need to stay in a dating relationship just because you are in it. Not to be a killjoy, but in some ways, dating is an interview process, and you only want to continue on with the one who passes the tests. Determining when to continue dating someone and when to breakup can be difficult at times. Do not date/marry someone based on others’ expectations. There is a big difference between expectations, inferences, and advice. Listen to godly and wise counsel but remember that others do not know everything about your relationship that you do. Trust your gut feeling. If you know the relationship is not right, get out sooner than later. You do not need to waste their time and emotions hoping your feelings will change. If you break up, do not use God as an excuse, i.e., “God told me we need to break up.” That leaves them thinking they are rejected by you and by God. Instead, be clear and direct and final, that means don’t add something like, “it’s just not the right time,” etc. You will ultimately be serving the other person with a simple, direct, and final breakup. 

Being rejected is not fun but it’s not the end of the world. Remembering that God is the one who defines you and not the relationship, that also means rejection does not define you. Learn to lament when you are hurting (Ps. 13), talk to God, express your hurt and complaint openly, ask God to work in your life and provide for your future, and remind yourself of God’s love and provisions in your life. Look back at the relationship and see what you learned about yourself and relationships. As difficult as it is, trust God is working something even better for you than you expect. After some time to heal, do the hard thing and get back out there, or at least be open to something new.

Being single is not bad. I will admit, it can seem difficult when everyone is always pushing relationships. However, there is freedom to serve Christ as a single person who is walking with Jesus. I cannot promise you that God will give you a spouse or a perfect relationship in the future. However, I can testify that Jesus walks with you through life and he is enough, his grace is sufficient, and his love is steadfast and true. If you remain single, look for ways to serve others and use your gifts to build community. Do not allow singleness to diminish the way you think about yourself, do draw you into self-pity, or depression. I can tell you that those are all easy to slip into. But God has a plan and purpose for you. It may be different than the way you dreamed it to be, but his plan is for you is for your greatest good and ultimate joy. 

Learn to fight fair and work through conflict. If you break up every time you get into a fight you will set yourself up for failure in marriage. Learning to work through fights and conflicts does not mean you have to marry the person, but it does produce maturity. Learn to listen to hear, not listen to speak. Recognize that in every conversation with every statement there is “what has been said” and “what has been heard.” Clear communication, especially during conflict, is making sure those two are reconciled. Conflict is opportunity to learn about yourself, others, and the importance of communication. In every failed relationship there is a breakdown in communication, so learning to communicate effectively goes a long way in strengthening a relationship. 

There is much more I could say, and I am sure you may have many more questions that I anticipated in this letter. I began writing this following Ephesians 4 and veered off into some practical advice too, but I want to end in the same chapter. In every relationship, but especially in your dating life, engagement and marriage, learn to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).

I am praying for you to be confident in the Lord, that you continue to walk with him, and that he leads you along the path to date worthy. 

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Brad

DATE WORTHY - EPH. 4

As we conclude our dating series tonight in Ephesians chapter 4, I think it is important to look back briefly at what Paul says about the LORD’s work in our lives that is the grounds for our new way of living, specifically in what we are going to be talking about in dating worthy. Ephesians 1-3 unpacks the Gospel and the abundant grace God has poured out on those who believe. In summary, let’s read Ephesians 2:1–5

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved”

We were dead and walking according to the sinful world that we lived in. We were hopelessly lost in our disobedience and doing whatever our desires dictated. We were children of wrath deserving eternal separation from God. BUT God moved toward us, he did for us what we could not do, and provided salvation through Jesus Christ. We were dead, he made us alive with Christ, through his grace. This is the basis of our calling and we need to understand it in order to allow it to affect our walk generally and our dating specifically. 

1. Understand Your Calling – Eph. 4:1

As a believer, you were once spiritually dead and God has called you to life. What does a dead person do? Nothing. You could do nothing for yourself, but God did it for you. Paul’s understanding of the gospel leads him to call himself a prisoner.

a. Prisoner

What is a prisoner? Someone who is captive or hostage. Notice he says a prisoner “for” and not a prisoner “of” as God is not detaining us or holding us against our will. Rather, Paul felt so compelled by the grace of God to totally surrender his life to the cause of Christ. This is the pattern we should seek to emulate, as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “when Christ calls a man, he bids him to die.”

b. Calling

The calling we have been called to is to be followers of Christ and, therefore, children of God. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that God has called us unto good works. His calling brings salvation and purpose. He has plan, our job is to walk in step with him as he reveals it. 

c. Walk

Walk is a word used to describe our manner of life, our behavior, and our actions. The game of follow the leader best pictures the concept here, keep your eyes on the leader, go where he goes, and do what he does. Paul implores us to live in such a way that it is clear that we are Christians and our lifestyle points people to Jesus. One area of life that we are focusing on is Dating. As a Christian, date in a manner worthy of being a prisoner for Jesus Christ, date in a way that is worthy of bearing the name of Jesus. 

2. Utilize God’s Gifts– Eph. 4:11-15

One way we can Date worthy and walk worthy is to utilize the gifts that God has given for our benefit. God has not left us alone in the pursuit of living worthy lives. He has given us gifts to equip us and guide us into a mature walk that will grow and build in love. First lets consider the gifts of Christian leaders:

a. Apostles, prophets, evangelists, shepherds, and teachers

In our context, God has given you pastors, youth leaders, and Christian friends to be godly influences in your life. As you are entering into thoughts about dating or dating relationships, turn to these people in your lives and allow them to speak truth and encouragement into your life. God has also given you parents who love you and care for you. 

b. Equipping

If you were going to go on a hiking trip, what would you need? Shaq could readily tell you all the equipment you need for the hike: boots, backpack, water bottle, hiking sticks, a compass, and more. You would want to be equipped before you departed. Why, then, do we jump into dating relationships without properly being equipped or talking to our Christian leaders about how to be equipped for dating and marriage? You can identify whether a Christian is a gift from God or a distraction based on if they equip you according to God’s Word. 

c. Mature in your walk with Jesus = mature in your approach to dating

A Christian leader who is a gift should help you develop a mature walk with Christ that will influence how you approach dating and romance. As babies, we all struggled to crawl and walk. We tumbled and bounced around, but eventually started getting the hang of it. All along the way, we had parents, aunts, uncles, and siblings helping us navigate through the awkward phases. God’s gifts are giving to help you navigate through the awkward phases and learn a mature stride that will cause you to grow and build a loving relationship. 

3. Avoid Worldly Distractions – Eph. 4:17-19

Paul gets real direct, don’t walk the way unbelievers do. Don’t walk down that road. Do not follow their pattern (Rom. 12:2).

a. Don’t follow their pattern

Look around at the pattern of the world when it comes to dating. Some of your friends, classmates, or team members are following the world’s destructive paths. You see them at the lockers or at the school dances behaving in immature and even forbidden ways. Media, movies, and social media are constantly bombarding you with ideas and images about dating, romance, love, and marriage. Why would you want to follow the worlds’ pattern?

b. Futility of mind and hardness of hearts

The world follows their path because their mines are futile, they are ignorant of God’s truth, God’s design, and God’s plan. They sin because their hearts are hardened to the truth. The suppress the knowledge of God because they do not want accountability. That is what sin does, it hardens our hearts and pollutes our minds. They pursue sensual and impure things. Again I ask, why would you want to follow the worlds’ pattern? Because it seems to be attractive, fun, and carefree. But they only show one side of the story. They do not talk about the emptiness sexual activity creates with the lack of a commitment. They don’t reveal the sorrow, the searching, the pursuit of validation that never ends. They do not have the comfort, meaning, and purpose that Christ gives to believers. 

4. Follow the Way of Christ – Eph. 4:20-32

So don’t follow their way, follow Christ. 

a. Are you a Christian? 

I’m not asking if you attend church or grew up in a Christian home. Are you a follower of Jesus, one who has surrendered to Christ and received forgiveness of sin. If you are truly a Christian, you are not your own but now belong to the LORD and should live accordingly. We do this by learning to putt off the old and putt on the new.

b. Put off the Old – Don’t give opportunity to the Devil

In dating, putting off the old is to stop following the sinful patterns of the world. We are instructed to not give the devil any opportunities in our lives. This means not looking at pornography, reading pornographic materials, and not engaging in any activity that will lead you astray. This means not going on dates or going to locations that will cause you to desire sin. Instead, put on the new…

c. Put on the New – righteousness and holiness

The new self, just like putting on new clothes, is clean and wholesome. Righteousness, doing the right thing, should become the normal activity of a follower of Christ. Pursuing holiness, being like Jesus, is a result of walking with Jesus. If you look at porn, stop looking at it and instead put on the new by looking at and filling your mind with godly things. If you are reading things that are causing you to think sexually, stop it and read the Bible or good Christian books that will help your thought life. If you are watching inappropriate TV shows or movies, stop and switch to watch RightNowMedia or other sources that will help you grow in your faith. 

d. Fight Fair, Conflict and Communication – Eph. 4:31-32

Lastly, dating in a worthy manner is to learn to communicate effectively and navigate conflict in an appropriate way. Do not allow anger and wrath to lead you to a life of bitterness. Learn to forgive, learn to communicate and learn to be kind even in conflict. 

So much more could be said, but the idea is there: walk with Jesus and date worthy. When you fix your eyes on Jesus, follow him, and allow him to influence your dating life, you will not regret it. He designed you and has plans for you. Follow him, walk with him daily, and practice his principals in your dating relationships. 

Date Worthy - Begin with the end in mind

“Begin with the end in mind” is Habit #2 in Stephen Covey’s book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” which has remained a best seller for over 30 years. When I considered the title of this session, I wasn’t thinking about his book, the phrase just popped in my head. However, it is always good to give credit where credit is due, and his book was beneficial to me. The 7 Habits (click for a summary) all are practical and helpful in life and relationships. However, I want you to focus on “Beginning with the end in mind.” 

What comes to your mind as you look at the picture above? A precious picture of a couple growing old together, still in love, and walking hand in hand. It captures a lifetime of memories and the idea of journeying together through life. I believe that is a great image to capture a successful relationship goal.

However, I want you to look farther ahead than this, and consider Revelation 19:6–9:

6 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. 7 Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; 8 it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. 9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” (ESV)

In this passage, we see Jesus Christ, the Lamb, has come for his Bride, the Church, for a great feast! One day, Jesus will return to call all those who belong to him for an eternal celebration. He uses the image of a wedding feast to capture the joy and celebration of this reunion. 

As we consider dating and relationship goals, to begin with the end in mind we should consider the ultimate goal of being reunited with our Savior and living in light of that day. This means that we must take seriously what it means to be a Christian and understand how following Christ impacts the decisions we make in our lives and in our dating relationships. Jesus said, 

Luke 14:27–30

Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ 

If I could paraphrase slightly, he/she that desires to be in relationship but doesn’t first count the cost is a fool. I see it all the time, young people find themselves in a dating relationship and they have no idea what they are doing? They want to figure things out as the go along without considering the cost. There are many things in life that learning as you go is a fine strategy because the risk is minimal. However, romantic relationships are not one of those because the risk is great and you’re interacting with a real person who has real feelings. 

And so, it is my mission to encourage young people to think about what they are doing and plan accordingly by “beginning with the end in mind.” What is the end goal of dating? Marriage. Let’s unpack marriage by reading Ephesians 5.

Marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the Church. We have already seen in Revelation 19 this imagery plays out in promise of a future feast and celebration. If you understand that your marriage is to be a reflection of Christ and his Church, then that should impact the way you consider dating. Before we delve into the specifics that Paul addresses for the biblical model of marriage, let’s identify some key themes that lay the foundation for a healthy biblical model. 

Chapter 5 opens with “therefore,” which should cause you to pause and say, “what is it there for?” Paul has spent 4 chapters in Ephesians declaring the abundant grace of God that has been given to believers by faith in Christ. Heavenly blessings, forgiveness of sins, adoption, salvation, and the promised Holy Spirit, to name a few. Repeatedly we are reminded that we are forgiven of our sins and that God is working in us to make us blameless and pure. This is significant to remember because God is calling us to pursue holy lives in all areas, and especially in our relationships. 

Because God had done this for us, we should imitate God as children who are loved. Seeing how much God loves us should motivate us to live in obedience. We live “from” love not “for” love (think about that). 

Pursue Purity – Eph. 5:3-6

If we are imitators of Christ, then it should go without saying that “sexual immorality” and “all impurity” have nothing to do with our lives and relationships. Students love to ask, “how far can we go without crossing the line into sin?” This question is the wrong question for us to be asking. It reveals our desire to flirt with sin. Rather, we should ask questions like, “how can I glorify God the most in my interactions?” or “how pure can I be in my relationships?” 

Sexual immorality, from the Greek word porneia, means any form of sexual conduct outside of the marriage relationship. This is any activity the causes you or someone else to desire sex. This includes looking at images on your phone or computer. This includes sending pictures of your body to provoke thoughts. As well as physical touch that is inappropriate for those who are not married. Parents should have direct conversations with their children about expectations when it comes to physical romantic interactions. 

This principal comes with a warning…allowing yourself to get caught up into sexual immorality and impurity pursues a life outside of the kingdom of Christ. This is an area that the Bible warns about God’s wrath for disobedience. Sex is a powerful interaction and wonderful gift to be enjoyed the way God intends in marriage. 

How can I prepare to pursue purity before I am in a relationship? Establish boundaries. Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to come up with a boundary. Don’t wait until you’ve gone too far to establish a boundary. Here is a truth statement, once you have crossed a line it is harder to not cross that line again. Establish healthy limits now.

Purity in relationships is a high priority for me, so I prayerfully worked through thoughts on boundaries. One phrase I say is that “I want my physical touch to display my heart and not my hormones.” Look let’s be honest with each other, there is an appeal to sex and romantic encounters. Every human that goes through puberty begins to desire the opposite sex. Giving into these appetites just because we feel them is giving into our hormones. However, we are called to sacrificial love (I’m getting ahead of myself) and therefore discipline ourselves to be able to withstand temptations. Attaching true love to physical intimacy means learning how to serve your date by pursuing purity through marriage.  We can’t do this alone, so it is good to have accountability.

Accountability Eph. 5:7-13

Paul further explains how we should not partner with the disobedient but walk in the light. He shares the concept of exposing sin by bringing it into the light. Think of sin as mold or fungus that thrives in the darkness. Once you bring it into the daylight it shrivels up and dies. That is the way it is with sexual temptations. When we struggle with temptations and sinful activity, we tend to keep it hidden in the dark. When it is hidden and in the dark it has power over us. However, when we bring it in the light it loses its power, and we can find freedom and forgiveness. 

Reactionary Accountability

When you are stuck in sin, finding an accountability to partner who will lead you to the grace of Jesus through prayer is so important. Our leaders and I want to help students overcome sinful habits and patterns. But it takes courage to expose our sins and when someone does talk about them, it is a judgment free zone. The Holy Spirit brings conviction, we who hear a confession need to have compassion and grace as we lead to the truth that brings freedom: Jesus. 

Proactive Accountability 

Know yourself and don’t trust yourself. The Bible says, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12). It is a good habit to get in to communicate with parents or accountability partners when you are spending time with a romantic interest. Homecoming, Prom, dances, movies, and dates all bring temptations. I apply this by telling someone when I am going on a date. A simple text, “hey I will be on a date tonight, feel free to check in on me or ask me about it tomorrow.” This puts the thought in my head that my accountability partner may ask me if I behaved, which keeps me in the light. It is a psychological truth that hidden things bring temptation but revealed things relieves temptations. 

Self-Control Eph. 5:15-21

In this section, Paul is encouraging you to be wise and walk in integrity. Really, he is telling you to have self-control. His appeal to not be drunk, meaning do not be controlled by any substance, but be filled with the Spirit is how we walk in purity. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Gal. 5:22). Keeping Christ in our hearts and conversation will guide us to serve one another in love. 

Now that we have covered all this, we can better appreciate what Paul says about marriage.

Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church – Eph. 5:21-33

Mutual Submission “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Submission is a hot topic today, and rightly so. There are so many misconceptions about this word and misapplication about this passage. Many begin teaching on marriage with verse 22, “wives submit to your husbands.” Yet, submission is a principal for all believers, both men and women, to display reverence for Jesus. 

Submission is “to rank or order yourself under” a leader. Tim Challies does a great write up about the difference between submission and subjection, you can read HERE. In summary, submission is a voluntary action and subjection is a forced action. Submission is not a bad word. Jesus submits to the Father, the Church submits to Jesus, we submit to one another, and wives submit to husband.

Wives Submit like the Church – Eph. 5:22-24

In God’s economy, the husband is the head of the home. This means that he is responsible for the success or failure of the marriage. This does not mean he is emperor or dictator. This is not to encourage domineering or authoritarian leadership. In a moment we will talk about what the husband is to be like. But first, Paul addresses the wives.

When reading Ephesians 5:22-24, husband should never read this passage and tell their wives to submit to them. These verses are written to the wife, and she should read them as a reminder of what God calls her to be. She should ask, “how can I submit to my husband? How can I respect him?” 

Husbands Love like Jesus – Eph. 5:25-33

In order for a wife to submit to her husband, he must be like Christ to her. Sacrificial love is the key to a healthy marriage. Jesus left heaven and gave himself up for the church. Husbands are to die to self and serve their wives in a similar fashion. Peter encourages husbands to seek to understand their wives and cherish her (1 Peter 3:7). Paul talks about the oneness of flesh as a husband who loves his wife loves himself. 

Christlike love is the lynch pin of a successful marriage. Servant leadership and sacrificial love is what headship is to emulate, which builds trust and safety for a wife to want to submit out of respect. 

Beginning with the end in mind when dating is to pursue becoming a man or woman that emulates Christ. It’s learning to submit yourself to Christ now by living obedient and faithful lives. Guys need to consider looking for girls they are willing to serve and sacrifice for. Girls need to look for guys they respect and can follow. Keeping this focus, pursuing purity, and having accountability will set you up for a rewarding dating relationship.