Here is a letter following Paul’s pattern in Ephesians 4 specifically to my youth group about dating and relationships:
I, as your pastor, a fellow child and servant of the LORD, urge you to date in a manner worthy of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Remember that the most important relationship you will have in this life and the next is with Jesus Christ, and walking with him should define all other relationships you will have in this life. As you seek dating, romance, and a future spouse, stay humble, be gentle, grow in patience, allow love to guide your attitude (1 Cor. 13:4-7), and behave in a way that promotes peace and unity that the Holy Spirit brings. A good indicator that you are walking with Jesus is that you have a desire for his Words (the Bible), to talk with him (prayer), and to be with his people (attending church/youth group, etc.).
Looking forward to when Christ returns, all believers are part of the Bride of Christ and will one day be reunited with him and celebrate the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6-10). Date in such a way that prepares you for that day, always seeking the purity of the Bride (you and all believers) and the glory of the Groom (Jesus Christ). Reflect on your hopes and dreams for your future marriage and consider what it will take to become the husband or wife you desire to be (Eph. 5:21-33). The Word of God is the best guide for character traits, attitudes, words, and actions that promote health and maturity (Prov. 31; 1 Tim. 3:1-13; Phil. 4:8; Rom. 12:9-21). Allow these thoughts to frame your perspective on dating.
Date worthy, for you were bought with a price, Jesus sacrificed his life for your salvation, justification, and sanctification (Eph. 4:1). Only date a fellow follower of Jesus (2 Cor. 6:14-18). Remember, you are not alone (Heb. 13:5-6) and do not (should not) walk through the dating experience alone (Heb. 10:24-25). Jesus not only provided for your salvation, but he gave gifts for your benefit and growth: pastors, teachers, youth leaders, and godly friends. These gifts were given to equip you and keep you accountable, make sure you receive these gifts, even when their counsel isn’t what you want to hear (Eph. 4:11-12). They are to seek to help you grow in your knowledge of Jesus Christ so that you will mature in your faith and develop healthy relationships. Dating is a fun, yet serious, season of life. Do not approach it in a childish manner but grow up into a godly partner who will serve and build up the one you are dating.
Look around, see how other students are dating, see how romance is pictured in movies, consider how sex is treated so flippantly, DO NOT buy into their lies (Rom. 12:1-2). DO NOT do what they do or give in to the childish ways they live in their ignorance to God’s design. Their hearts are hardened to the truth because of their sin, which leads them into more sin (Eph. 4:18). They celebrate sensuality and impurity, not realizing that it is only degrading and destroying themselves. Pray for their repentance and God’s grace to open their eyes to the truth, and ask God to give you strength, courage, and boldness to follow the narrow way (Matt. 7:13-14).
I am writing you assuming you are a follower of Jesus Christ and believe his teachings (Eph. 4:20-22). You did not learn from Christ to do those things, rather he instructs to put off the old way of thinking and doing, and put on the new self, which is created to be like him. When you walk with Jesus, you will become more like him, producing true righteousness and holiness (John 15:5). To date worthy means that righteousness and holiness should become descriptors of the way you carry yourself in your relationships. That means doing the right thing and remaining pure at all times.
It is so important that you develop righteous principals and appropriate boundaries before you begin dating, in this way you will give no opportunity for the devil to lead you down sinful paths (Eph. 4:27). It begins with your speech, not allowing any corrupt or perverse language to influence your thoughts, rather finding words of encouragement that are wholesome and will build up others. Do not continue in sinful patterns that will grieve the Holy Spirit, who is the one that gives you the assurance that you are in the faith (Eph. 4:30). Grieving the Spirit is when your thoughts, desires, and actions distract you from hearing his voice and sensing his convictions. You see, when you give in to sin too much your heart hardens and your conscious gets seared and calloused. But when you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive your sins and he will wash you, cleanse you, and restore a soft and tender heart to you (1 John 1:9).
Before I conclude, I would like to give you some practical points to consider when seeking to date worthy. Do not start dating too early, remember, dating someone does not define you, God does (Ps. 139). Dating is for the purpose of finding someone to marry, not for convenience, not just for fun (it can be fun), and not for security. Instead, focus on become the man/woman of God that Jesus wants you to be and learn to develop good healthy friendships with the opposite sex.
Do not get comfortable dating someone, especially the younger you start dating. Christian dating isn’t about getting comfortable and cozy; it’s about learning and serving the other person. Dates should be about getting to know the other person, not sitting on a couch watching a movie and cuddling under the blanket…this is a bad idea and gives opportunity for the devil. Go outside and walk, go somewhere public and fun for talks, it does not have to be expensive to be a good date. Do not waste time with the other person by sitting in front of a screen or binge-watching TV shows.
As you develop into an exclusive couple, learn to be inclusive. That means, as a couple, spend time with each other’s parents and your friends. Although it is great spending time alone, too much alone time can lead to temptation or confusion. Temptation is real and it is natural to want to be involved physically and sexually with someone you are dating; however, you must guard your hearts, minds, and bodies against these temptations. Sex is a wonderful gift from God in the right context of marriage, outside of marriage it is harmful and destructive. The confusion that comes with too much alone time while dating involves emotions and intentions. Intentional time away helps reveal what is real and what is based on proximity.
Do not think you can fix someone if you date or marry them. The problems you see today will likely be problems in the future. Nobody wants to be pursued as a project. Instead, look for someone who is displaying the godly qualities you want in a spouse, or someone who is growing in those qualities and pursue them.
You do not have to marry the first person you date, and you do not need to stay in a dating relationship just because you are in it. Not to be a killjoy, but in some ways, dating is an interview process, and you only want to continue on with the one who passes the tests. Determining when to continue dating someone and when to breakup can be difficult at times. Do not date/marry someone based on others’ expectations. There is a big difference between expectations, inferences, and advice. Listen to godly and wise counsel but remember that others do not know everything about your relationship that you do. Trust your gut feeling. If you know the relationship is not right, get out sooner than later. You do not need to waste their time and emotions hoping your feelings will change. If you break up, do not use God as an excuse, i.e., “God told me we need to break up.” That leaves them thinking they are rejected by you and by God. Instead, be clear and direct and final, that means don’t add something like, “it’s just not the right time,” etc. You will ultimately be serving the other person with a simple, direct, and final breakup.
Being rejected is not fun but it’s not the end of the world. Remembering that God is the one who defines you and not the relationship, that also means rejection does not define you. Learn to lament when you are hurting (Ps. 13), talk to God, express your hurt and complaint openly, ask God to work in your life and provide for your future, and remind yourself of God’s love and provisions in your life. Look back at the relationship and see what you learned about yourself and relationships. As difficult as it is, trust God is working something even better for you than you expect. After some time to heal, do the hard thing and get back out there, or at least be open to something new.
Being single is not bad. I will admit, it can seem difficult when everyone is always pushing relationships. However, there is freedom to serve Christ as a single person who is walking with Jesus. I cannot promise you that God will give you a spouse or a perfect relationship in the future. However, I can testify that Jesus walks with you through life and he is enough, his grace is sufficient, and his love is steadfast and true. If you remain single, look for ways to serve others and use your gifts to build community. Do not allow singleness to diminish the way you think about yourself, do draw you into self-pity, or depression. I can tell you that those are all easy to slip into. But God has a plan and purpose for you. It may be different than the way you dreamed it to be, but his plan is for you is for your greatest good and ultimate joy.
Learn to fight fair and work through conflict. If you break up every time you get into a fight you will set yourself up for failure in marriage. Learning to work through fights and conflicts does not mean you have to marry the person, but it does produce maturity. Learn to listen to hear, not listen to speak. Recognize that in every conversation with every statement there is “what has been said” and “what has been heard.” Clear communication, especially during conflict, is making sure those two are reconciled. Conflict is opportunity to learn about yourself, others, and the importance of communication. In every failed relationship there is a breakdown in communication, so learning to communicate effectively goes a long way in strengthening a relationship.
There is much more I could say, and I am sure you may have many more questions that I anticipated in this letter. I began writing this following Ephesians 4 and veered off into some practical advice too, but I want to end in the same chapter. In every relationship, but especially in your dating life, engagement and marriage, learn to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
I am praying for you to be confident in the Lord, that you continue to walk with him, and that he leads you along the path to date worthy.
Grace, Peace, and Love,
Brad
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