“Begin with the end in mind” is Habit #2 in Stephen Covey’s book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” which has remained a best seller for over 30 years. When I considered the title of this session, I wasn’t thinking about his book, the phrase just popped in my head. However, it is always good to give credit where credit is due, and his book was beneficial to me. The 7 Habits (click for a summary) all are practical and helpful in life and relationships. However, I want you to focus on “Beginning with the end in mind.”
What comes to your mind as you look at the picture above? A precious picture of a couple growing old together, still in love, and walking hand in hand. It captures a lifetime of memories and the idea of journeying together through life. I believe that is a great image to capture a successful relationship goal.
However, I want you to look farther ahead than this, and consider Revelation 19:6–9:
6 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. 7 Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; 8 it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. 9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” (ESV)
In this passage, we see Jesus Christ, the Lamb, has come for his Bride, the Church, for a great feast! One day, Jesus will return to call all those who belong to him for an eternal celebration. He uses the image of a wedding feast to capture the joy and celebration of this reunion.
As we consider dating and relationship goals, to begin with the end in mind we should consider the ultimate goal of being reunited with our Savior and living in light of that day. This means that we must take seriously what it means to be a Christian and understand how following Christ impacts the decisions we make in our lives and in our dating relationships. Jesus said,
Luke 14:27–30
Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’
If I could paraphrase slightly, he/she that desires to be in relationship but doesn’t first count the cost is a fool. I see it all the time, young people find themselves in a dating relationship and they have no idea what they are doing? They want to figure things out as the go along without considering the cost. There are many things in life that learning as you go is a fine strategy because the risk is minimal. However, romantic relationships are not one of those because the risk is great and you’re interacting with a real person who has real feelings.
And so, it is my mission to encourage young people to think about what they are doing and plan accordingly by “beginning with the end in mind.” What is the end goal of dating? Marriage. Let’s unpack marriage by reading Ephesians 5.
Marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the Church. We have already seen in Revelation 19 this imagery plays out in promise of a future feast and celebration. If you understand that your marriage is to be a reflection of Christ and his Church, then that should impact the way you consider dating. Before we delve into the specifics that Paul addresses for the biblical model of marriage, let’s identify some key themes that lay the foundation for a healthy biblical model.
Chapter 5 opens with “therefore,” which should cause you to pause and say, “what is it there for?” Paul has spent 4 chapters in Ephesians declaring the abundant grace of God that has been given to believers by faith in Christ. Heavenly blessings, forgiveness of sins, adoption, salvation, and the promised Holy Spirit, to name a few. Repeatedly we are reminded that we are forgiven of our sins and that God is working in us to make us blameless and pure. This is significant to remember because God is calling us to pursue holy lives in all areas, and especially in our relationships.
Because God had done this for us, we should imitate God as children who are loved. Seeing how much God loves us should motivate us to live in obedience. We live “from” love not “for” love (think about that).
Pursue Purity – Eph. 5:3-6
If we are imitators of Christ, then it should go without saying that “sexual immorality” and “all impurity” have nothing to do with our lives and relationships. Students love to ask, “how far can we go without crossing the line into sin?” This question is the wrong question for us to be asking. It reveals our desire to flirt with sin. Rather, we should ask questions like, “how can I glorify God the most in my interactions?” or “how pure can I be in my relationships?”
Sexual immorality, from the Greek word porneia, means any form of sexual conduct outside of the marriage relationship. This is any activity the causes you or someone else to desire sex. This includes looking at images on your phone or computer. This includes sending pictures of your body to provoke thoughts. As well as physical touch that is inappropriate for those who are not married. Parents should have direct conversations with their children about expectations when it comes to physical romantic interactions.
This principal comes with a warning…allowing yourself to get caught up into sexual immorality and impurity pursues a life outside of the kingdom of Christ. This is an area that the Bible warns about God’s wrath for disobedience. Sex is a powerful interaction and wonderful gift to be enjoyed the way God intends in marriage.
How can I prepare to pursue purity before I am in a relationship? Establish boundaries. Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to come up with a boundary. Don’t wait until you’ve gone too far to establish a boundary. Here is a truth statement, once you have crossed a line it is harder to not cross that line again. Establish healthy limits now.
Purity in relationships is a high priority for me, so I prayerfully worked through thoughts on boundaries. One phrase I say is that “I want my physical touch to display my heart and not my hormones.” Look let’s be honest with each other, there is an appeal to sex and romantic encounters. Every human that goes through puberty begins to desire the opposite sex. Giving into these appetites just because we feel them is giving into our hormones. However, we are called to sacrificial love (I’m getting ahead of myself) and therefore discipline ourselves to be able to withstand temptations. Attaching true love to physical intimacy means learning how to serve your date by pursuing purity through marriage. We can’t do this alone, so it is good to have accountability.
Accountability Eph. 5:7-13
Paul further explains how we should not partner with the disobedient but walk in the light. He shares the concept of exposing sin by bringing it into the light. Think of sin as mold or fungus that thrives in the darkness. Once you bring it into the daylight it shrivels up and dies. That is the way it is with sexual temptations. When we struggle with temptations and sinful activity, we tend to keep it hidden in the dark. When it is hidden and in the dark it has power over us. However, when we bring it in the light it loses its power, and we can find freedom and forgiveness.
Reactionary Accountability
When you are stuck in sin, finding an accountability to partner who will lead you to the grace of Jesus through prayer is so important. Our leaders and I want to help students overcome sinful habits and patterns. But it takes courage to expose our sins and when someone does talk about them, it is a judgment free zone. The Holy Spirit brings conviction, we who hear a confession need to have compassion and grace as we lead to the truth that brings freedom: Jesus.
Proactive Accountability
Know yourself and don’t trust yourself. The Bible says, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12). It is a good habit to get in to communicate with parents or accountability partners when you are spending time with a romantic interest. Homecoming, Prom, dances, movies, and dates all bring temptations. I apply this by telling someone when I am going on a date. A simple text, “hey I will be on a date tonight, feel free to check in on me or ask me about it tomorrow.” This puts the thought in my head that my accountability partner may ask me if I behaved, which keeps me in the light. It is a psychological truth that hidden things bring temptation but revealed things relieves temptations.
Self-Control Eph. 5:15-21
In this section, Paul is encouraging you to be wise and walk in integrity. Really, he is telling you to have self-control. His appeal to not be drunk, meaning do not be controlled by any substance, but be filled with the Spirit is how we walk in purity. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Gal. 5:22). Keeping Christ in our hearts and conversation will guide us to serve one another in love.
Now that we have covered all this, we can better appreciate what Paul says about marriage.
Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church – Eph. 5:21-33
Mutual Submission “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Submission is a hot topic today, and rightly so. There are so many misconceptions about this word and misapplication about this passage. Many begin teaching on marriage with verse 22, “wives submit to your husbands.” Yet, submission is a principal for all believers, both men and women, to display reverence for Jesus.
Submission is “to rank or order yourself under” a leader. Tim Challies does a great write up about the difference between submission and subjection, you can read HERE. In summary, submission is a voluntary action and subjection is a forced action. Submission is not a bad word. Jesus submits to the Father, the Church submits to Jesus, we submit to one another, and wives submit to husband.
Wives Submit like the Church – Eph. 5:22-24
In God’s economy, the husband is the head of the home. This means that he is responsible for the success or failure of the marriage. This does not mean he is emperor or dictator. This is not to encourage domineering or authoritarian leadership. In a moment we will talk about what the husband is to be like. But first, Paul addresses the wives.
When reading Ephesians 5:22-24, husband should never read this passage and tell their wives to submit to them. These verses are written to the wife, and she should read them as a reminder of what God calls her to be. She should ask, “how can I submit to my husband? How can I respect him?”
Husbands Love like Jesus – Eph. 5:25-33
In order for a wife to submit to her husband, he must be like Christ to her. Sacrificial love is the key to a healthy marriage. Jesus left heaven and gave himself up for the church. Husbands are to die to self and serve their wives in a similar fashion. Peter encourages husbands to seek to understand their wives and cherish her (1 Peter 3:7). Paul talks about the oneness of flesh as a husband who loves his wife loves himself.
Christlike love is the lynch pin of a successful marriage. Servant leadership and sacrificial love is what headship is to emulate, which builds trust and safety for a wife to want to submit out of respect.
Beginning with the end in mind when dating is to pursue becoming a man or woman that emulates Christ. It’s learning to submit yourself to Christ now by living obedient and faithful lives. Guys need to consider looking for girls they are willing to serve and sacrifice for. Girls need to look for guys they respect and can follow. Keeping this focus, pursuing purity, and having accountability will set you up for a rewarding dating relationship.
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