Doubt of Unforgiveness

Source: John 21, Psalm 51, 1 John 1:9; John 10:10; Romans 8:1; James 5:16

“Is that Him? It has to be!” Peter thought. In a sudden move, he jumped out of the boat and swam excitedly to shore. What could be better than being reunited with your best friend? How sweet this reunion was going to be!

Shaking off the water, he attempted to gather himself as he approached the fire where Jesus sat beckoning him to join Him for breakfast. The fire…the charcoal fire…a pit of guilt and shame formed instantly in Peter’s stomach. In an instant, the exuberant joy he had felt as he jumped out of the boat dissipated as he remembered the charcoal fire from just a few days before.

Dark Memories

It was the darkest moment of his life. Easily his biggest regret, and he wished ever so desperately that he could go back and undo what he had done.

It all started as the celebration for Passover began. Jesus and the disciples gathered in the upper room for dinner. The significance of that night escaped him, but now he realized clearly how Jesus tried to get all the disciples to understand the gravity of what was about to happen.

He had learned so much from Jesus over the past 3 years. Everything in his life changed from the moment he first met Jesus. He was a simple fisherman and led a quiet life, but now he was a disciple and one of the inner circle. He had become accustom to being the right-hand man of the Master and admittedly became prideful in his new estate.

Maybe that’s why he wasn’t really paying attention to what Jesus was saying. Jesus said that this was the last meal with them before he was going to suffer. All the disciples missed it, and nobody questioned Him about it. Then Jesus said He was going to be betrayed, and the betrayer was going to be one of them.

Jesus looked sympathetically at Peter and said,

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” Peter said to him, “Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death.”  Jesus said, “I tell you, Peter, the rooster will not crow this day, until you deny three times that you know me.” (Luke 22:31-34 ESV)

“Not a chance!” Peter thought, “I will never betray my best friend!” After all, Peter had just recently proclaimed that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, but that’s another story. The Passover meal ended and they went to the garden to pray as was their custom, yet Jesus was acting differently. The mood was heavier and the air was constraining.

Jesus asked them to pray, but it was a long day, and Peter fell asleep, not once, but three times. That’s when they heard the noise, Judas had brought the temple guards to arrest Jesus. “How could Judas do this?” Peter thought.

As they took Jesus away to trial by night, Peter tagged along at a distance. As the crowds gathered in the cold night, Peter went to a charcoal fire to warm himself. It was around the fire that he was questioned, “aren’t you with Jesus?” “No! I don’t know who he is,” Peter declared.

“No, I am pretty sure I saw you with him!” “No, you have me confused with someone else, I don’t know Jesus!” Peter said.

“You are a Galilean, and one of his disciples, I am sure of it!” “No, dam you, it’s not me, I don’t know Jesus!” Peter declared one more time. And then the rooster crowed, and Peter looked across the court yard and made eye contact with Jesus as they moved Him to another trial.

The words Jesus had spoken to him just a few hours ago now hit him like a ton of bricks. How could he have denied his friend? How could he have been so fickle when Jesus needed him most?

The guilt was too much! Peter ran from that place, a broken man.

 A New Beginning

All those thoughts rushed back and he felt like he was sucker punched as he drew closer to the fire where Jesus sat. Peter sat down, as the other disciples caught up and joined them.

“Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“What was Jesus doing? Why is he singling me out?” Peter wondered.

He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.”

He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was feeling a little uncomfortable, but Jesus would often push His disciples past their comfort zone to teach them, so he replied,

“Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.”

He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?”

It was at this moment that Peter realized that Jesus was addressing his burden of guilt he carried over the denials. He was confronted in this moment with a charcoal fire and the very man whom he denied. He could not avoid His gaze, he could not back out of this corner, he had to walk through this honestly and openly.

and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” (John 21:15-17 ESV)

In that moment, Peter felt the burden lifted. He felt the love of Jesus, the risen Lord, overwhelm Him. Jesus did not give up on Peter. Jesus knew that Peter needed to be confronted with his sin, but He didn’t beat him up about it. Peter already felt guilt and shame, he needed Jesus to be…well Jesus. And Jesus did not disappoint.

Jesus wanted to see if Peter had learned from his past. Where was Peter’s heart? Peter loved Jesus and Jesus had a purpose for Peter. In this moment, around this charcoal fire, Peter was restored in love.

Doubt of Unforgiveness

We learn so much from this exchange between Jesus and Peter. Have you ever experienced guilt and shame because of your failure? Have you seen, heard, tasted or smelled something and instantly the regret and shame come back?

Guilt and shame from sin becomes a barrier in our relationship with God. When left untreated, it can cause us to feel alone and far away from God.

To be clear, God has not withdrawn from us (Hebrews 13:5), we have turned from Him. He is waiting for us to turn and trust Him.

But we may go through seasons in life not realizing that we are holding onto our sin and shame. It is in this wilderness that we face a barrage of doubts and fears. “Is God real? Does God care about me? God could never forgive me for this?” and so many more.

It is in this weakened state that the enemy of our souls seeks to destroy us and our faith. Jesus said it this way to Peter, “Satan desires to sift you as wheat…”

Guilt, shame and doubt become a trial that the enemy uses to sift us. This is a metaphor pointing to Satan’s desire to shake us to the point where we break and give up our faith. Questions will plague us in this state. We won’t feel the presence of God. We will think our prayers are hitting the ceiling. Life will ebb from us.

BUT that is because we are pursuing this on our own and we are believing lies. Jesus did not give up on Peter, but lovingly restored him. Jesus won’t give up on you and is waiting for you to confess your sin and return to Him.

1 John 1:9 says, “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness!”

We serve a God who delights in forgiving His children. Allow the story of Peter’s denials and restoration to be a reminder of how much God loves you and the great lengths He will go to affirm you.

King David went through a trial where his sin caused him to go through a season where his faith faltered. Spend time slowly reading through Psalm 51 and think through what it must have been like for him going through his wilderness of doubt.

He describes a sense of emptiness, distance and lack of joy. He pleads with God to forgive him and restore his joy. And God did!

If you are going through a season of doubt, is there sins in your life that need to be confessed? Turn from them and turn to Christ. He will not reject you. He knows your darkest moments, He knows your charcoal fires, and He loves you. He will not beat you up about it, He wants to wrap you in His loving embrace and call you His child.

If your guilt and shame is pushing you away from God, it is the work of the enemy sifting you. The enemy will lie to you, don’t believe him. Remember these words,

1.     Jesus came to give life, but the enemy tries to destroy your faith

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10 ESV)

2.     Jesus conquered sin and death so that guilt and shame will not rule over you

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1 ESV)

3.     Sometimes we need to confess to others to help us overcome sinful habits and prayer warriors who will stick with us

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16 ESV)

God loves you so much! Don’t allow unconfessed sin to ruin your relationship with Him. He is waiting for you to turn and trust Him.